Male Sexual Abuse Stories My Story

Hello World my name is Art Dusenbury and I live in Chicago Illinois.   I grew up most of my teenage life here in Palatine IL, a suburb of Chicago West of the Loop.  I am currently married living in a spare room of my house.  My wife and I are separated and living in the same house.  That's another story which is her's to tell.

The last 2 years of my life have been pure heaven in a hellish kind of way.  Hum sounds a little convoluted?  Well let me tell you there is nothing convoluted about it.   Each day has been a rich new experience full of joy of joy and sorrow of sorrow.  I sometimes think that I am still Bi Polar from back in the 70's when then symptoms of the abuse 1st started to surface.

I started out life like any other kid except I was born with a rare disorder that caused my immune system to not work properly.  I spent the 1st 20% of 7 years of my life in and out the hospital for varying lengths of time.

If that wasn't traumatic enough for me, what would happen to me on that day back in 1964 would forever transform me.

It was a typical day in Phoenix.  Warm and humid.   I got out of bed as I had many times before.  This day was so different.  My sister Sandy (Not her real name she doesn't know I know) and I where best friends.  We had to be.  My Dad moved us around a lot. 18 times before we where 18.  I know understand why, which will become apparent as you read on.   This weekend was a rare weekend when once or twice a year mom would go to either Boston or Texas on a religious thing.   I woke up, as I usually do went looking for my little sister to play with her.   I went to the room next door, the door was open and she wasn't there.  I began running through the house looking everywhere, she wasn't anywhere.  I looked out in the back yard, No Sandy.  I went back into the house and came upon my parents room with the door closed.   I flung the door open and to my shock there was my dad and sister naked on the bed.   My dad yelled at the top of his lungs "Get the hell out of here and close the God Dam Door! This changed the course of my life.  I immediately ran into my room shut the door and went right to my train set and started to play with it.   As an 8 year old I didn't know what to make of what I just saw.    What I am feeling right now is what I imagine what I was feeling back then.  The feelings right at this moment are not as intense as they were 2 years ago.  I am foggy about the timeline however, about 1-2 weeks later my dad came into the room to kiss me as he had done in the past  but this time he fondled my genitals and told me never to tell anyone about what happened.   I held on to that secret until April of 2009.

The more I tried to hold on to the secret the more that it wanted to come out.   I'm not sure of the time line, however a few weeks later the pain of it all got to me to much and I had to tell someone.   I have a best friend Joe.   Twice a week I would go over to his house for lunch.  I adored his mom.   She always treated me with tender loving care.  Over the years I felt a loving and safe connection with Mrs. Studebaker.   She would allows welcome me warmly and would dote over me ever time I came over.  Over time I began to trust her enough to talk to her about everything.   It was hard to talk about what was happening in my house.   I kept up the happy face for as long as I could.   When the pain was to great to handle anymore I decided that I was going to risk telling her about what happened.   I told her what happened.  What a mistake that was.   She raised her voice at me and raised her voice and said, "young man you march right home and tell your mom what you told me.  How could you say that about the most loving father that I know on the block".   At that moment I learned that you can never trust anyone with anything.   These events started me down a dark path that lasted from 1964-the present.

What began to happen next began my life of addiction, bi polar disorder, depression, obesity and a uncontrollable addiction to pornography and prostitutes that lasted until July of 2005.  That was the first day I stepped into a Sexaholic Anonymous meeting.   I will never forget the first day in that meeting.  I walked into that meeting feeling like I was carrying in a 3 ton ball and chain.   I was extremely fearful of men.   I didn't know what it was at the time, however it would be reveled during quiet time and meditation in September of 2009.

I met my ex wife Linda in about spring of 1981.  6 months after meeting her I moved in with her and within another 6 months we were married.   What I soon discovered, Linda had been sexually abuse as a child by her father.  This made for a very difficult sex life for us.   She would comply with my advances for sex, however making love to her was like making love to a wet noodle, lifeless and devoid of energy.   Most times I had to pop in a porn DVD to jump start a sexual encounter.  Soon into the marriage problems start to happen.  I would over spend beyond the income we had coming in.  We constantly found ourselves in trouble financially most of our marriage.  Always living on the edge.

After about 2 years of being married I found myself having a burst of rage erupt for the smallest incident.   What I realize now is that each eruption released  chemicals in my body that for a while after that would give me a sense of calm for a while.   When ever I would start feeling, I would spout out a burst of anger and leave a pool of victims at the end of the tantrum.  It would give me temporary relief.   As time went on my anger would escalate to a point that I would no longer be conscience of what was going on.

Please view my next post for a continuation of my story.   I try to get a post in once a week on a Saturday.

Next post I will share how I got closer to being healed and thriving now in my life.

I am looking to start a conversation with anyone that is interested in a full recover from this frustrating and baffling disorder.